It's probably a bad idea to be writing a journal entry when I'm in such a bad mood. But I'm at work, with absolutely nothing to do, and an appointment book completely open until September. I'm again experiencing the same feelings I last experienced in December - that I'm in the wrong job.

But, that wasn't what I wanted to write about really. I thought I'd write a little about a most unexpected event which I kind of hinted at in my last journal entry. If you've read my journal regularly, you're probably aware that I've been less than spectacularly successful in love - to put it mildly. I've, in fact, been single for something like five years. Oh, I've met people here and there - dated for a week here, a month there. But, in general, I've slowly come to the conclusion that I'm meant to be single.

So it took me completely by surprise when I met someone recently, and started to develop feelings for him. I suppose it confirms the old adage that when you're give up looking, that's when you'll find it. Or, as my mother more colorfuly put it, if you're busy in the garden, sooner or later someone will look over the garden wall. (My mother was a fount of useful sayings.)

Now, I haven't hitherto mentioned this, because ... well ... in the past, I've met and started to date people, and then it's quickly ended as I've begun to lose interest. But this time is definitely different. In fact, I've had to keep a damper on my enthusiasm to avoid going totally overboard.

What has been odd, and unexpected from all this, is how the feelings I've been developing for Jed (for that's his name), have trickled through to other corners of my life. I've had the most odd, raw, surging feelings about all manner of things; music has hit me in deeper ways; I care more about my friends and their problems: all in all, it's been the kinder, gentler Keith. We'll see how long that lasts, I suppose :)

I think that the reason that Jed and I have hit it off so well is that we have similar thought processes and values. We're both analytical thinkers; both grew up hating our bodies before rediscovering them in our twenties; both have eerily similar hang-ups. It sounds like I'm saying that we're both equally fucked up, doesn't it? :) But more than that, we both, I think, have the ability to care and feel in similar ways. And jeez, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many friends I've had in California who are genuinely interested in classical music. Jed is one of them - and what's more he's cute too :), not to mention very smart.

It's early days, and I'm in no rush. But against all my expectations, I've found I'm still capable of caring for someone, and that's been a blessed discovery.