I took the day off work today, not for the first time of late, for a variety of reasons. It's true that I wanted to watch CNN for the latest blow-by-blow developments. I've become as transfixed by this story as others were by the Elian Gonzales story. But I discovered yesterday that I can listen to CNN live from my computer at work. So that, in itself, wasn't the reason I stayed home.

I also have a mild cold, and that seemed, on the surface, to offer the best reason for staying home. But the real reason is that I just didn't want to to go to work. Not very noble is it? And the reason I didn't want to go to work? Well, that's more complicated: it's composed of a little bit of this and that - the same boredom and lack of motivation I've written about quite often here, the need to take some "mental- health" time to try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and finally a touch of depression, which I've been fighting off for weeks now.

As you might guess, this mix of feelings is why I haven't been writing regularly of late. I feel rather in a muddle. On the one hand, I'm finding happiness and contentment with my boyfriend Jed; on the other, a complete lack of direction with my career. After weeks of seeing a career consultant, I'm really no nearer figuring it out. And I've reached a point where I've put myself such through incessant self-critique that I'm beginning to lose my self-confidence.

You know, not three paragraphs ago, I was determined that this journal entry wouldn't mention any of the above. Or at least I thought that I might just hint obliquely at it, while keeping the rest of the journal light-hearted. But my typing fingers had other ideas.

At least I did actually make some progress today, in between listening to Bernie Shaw on CNN (who seems to be losing it), and entertaining the cutest imaginable maintenance guy in my apartment (to investigate a rumbling noise from the ceiling). I surfed through some job-listings on the Web, and, for the first time, didn't limit myself to just looking in the Bay Area. I found just a couple which showed some real promise - real enough promise to press me to rewrite my resume and send it off. One job was in Virginia, and while I can't easily imagine myself living there, I feel that taking action will at least start to give me a sense that I'm not standing still.

Okay, let's get off this subject, since this kind of introspective melancholia is precisely the kind of writing I dreaded imposing on you today, and which has kept me in a kind of writer's block for the past few weeks.

What else has been going on? Photography for one thing. A friend of mine asked me recently if I'd take some photos of him. This was something I've never done before - take portrait photos of someone else. Now it doesn't automatically follow that, just because I've gotten pretty adept at photographing myself, I can apply that experience to framing someone else. We gave it a shot, though, and both of us were pleased with the results. Since my friend may run for Congress some day (that's one job I can clearly cross of my list!), he won't let me post any of the photos.

Last week, I went behind the lens of another photographer for the first time since Davis took photos of me way back near the beginning of time. We're planning on doing a full photo-shoot soon, but, for now, here's the one I liked best.

I've been amused by some of the postal mail I've received recently. I seem to have gotten on some kind of gay mailing list. It started with a copy of " International Male" that appeared one day. If you haven't seen this catalogue, you have no idea of the depths of tackiness that gay men can sink to. Shortly after this, there appeared a catlogue from Crate & Barrel, which, I suppose, might seem to be an obvious segue for some. Today, it was the Shotime Network that had me pinned; I received a flier for their upcoming series "Queer as Folk", based on the english series of the same name. I have to say that based on the promotional material, they've chosen actors that are way better looking than their english counterparts. But I doubt that they'll go as far as the Brits did. In England, the series, broadcast on network television, showed, for example, a thirty-something man rimming an under-age boy!

I'd better get back to my CNN - the Florida secretary of state is just about to announce the certified results of the election. Not that this is likely to conclude the matter!