I've been resisting writing anything for the last week because I've been in such a flutter of spirits. Really, you'd think I was pregnant, so rapid have been my mood changes. One day, I'm brimming with life, energy and activity, and the next day I wake up with the awareness that a heavy cloud has descended to dampen all my enthusiasm.

Just about all I can attribute this to are the very real uncertainties of my life right now; not knowing where Jed is going to end up as his round of interviews with East-Coast universities completes; and not knowing where I'm heading at work. That great project that I was expecting to be involved in at work is finally getting fitfully under way. But there has been so much politics involved in its conception. As things stand, I've been told that I only can expect to work on the project for a month before it will have to be transitioned to outside consultants.

So I've been continuing my job search. And what's dispiriting about that is that I feel locked into a career path that doesn't offer me what I want. My area of expertise is in great demand, actually. However the vast majority of companies who hire people with my background are pharmaceutical companies, banks, and credit-card companies, and I have no interest in working in any of those environments.

Moan, moan, moan. Yes, I know. You must be as sick of me complaining about my career as I am of thinking about it. I know, intellectually, that if I stick it out long enough with the job hunt, something will turn up. I have seen jobs out there occasionally which fit me. I just have to stick around long enough to find one that's in a place I actually want to live.

There's no saying, of course, that any job I find will be located anywhere near where Jed ends up. And here we walk into a whole nest of thorny issues, in any case. By the time Jed gets the academic job he's after in the late Summer, we'll have been together a year only. I don't know that that's enough time for the relationship to influence where I relocate to. Added to that is Jed's desire to stay somewhat in the closet when he gets his academic job. Going back in the closet as someone's spouse, particularly in the academic world, is not an option for me.

Oh, hell. All this mental masturbation isn't getting me anywhere! Let's change the subject :)

How about cars? My car lease expires at the end of March, so I've been considering my options. I could, of course, buy my Jeep Wrangler at the end of the lease. I'd get a good deal considering I've only put 18,000 miles on it. But a Jeep isn't really the most practical of cars, despite its rugged, open-air appeal.

I'm enormously tempted by the brand new, redesigned Mitsibushi Montero. My first car was a Montero - back when the Montero was available as a much smaller, much less refined two-door. The new Montero is so stylish and full of flair - I just find it so ... sexy! But I feel guilty about my lustful feelings for it: I don't really need such a big car, considering how little I need to drive these days. Some kind of SUV is definitely right for me, since, considering my 197 cm of height, I don't fit with ease into a regular car. But a so-ugly-that-it's-handsome, hulking, gas-guzzling lump of sheet metal like the Montero is probably excessive.

The other consideration - and it's a big one - is that if I don't buy a new car, then I can use my recent salary bonus to both pay off the Jeep, and close out all my credit-card debts. For the first time since I got my grubby hands on a Barclaycard at the age of 18, I'd be debt-free.

Still, there's nothing like putting yourself into the path of temptation. This weekend, Jed and I are going out to test-drive some beauties. Be strong, Keith :)