So I finally turned forty on December 23rd, and it was in no way as traumatic as I would probably have feared a year ago. I don't feel forty, and most people except myself say I don't look it. But it's the feeling that's the most important. I'm proud to be forty, and to still feel full of vigor and vitality. I still wake up with a raging hard on every morning. This is not to say there aren't things I wouldn't change: I would have gladly accepted a gift of botox treatments for my birthday.

Ben went all out, inviting our closest LA friends for dinner at O'Bar in West Hollywood, and surprising me with a dozen red roses, and the staff coming out suddenly with a big birthday cake. Ben bought me a digital SLR camera - a great gift, since my trusty old Nikon was on its last legs.

The few days around my birthday were rushed, as we prepared for our departure to London on Christmas Day. The weather, though, was gorgeous - we wore tank-tops when we went to a diner on Christmas Day. In the early evening, we relaxed into our business-class seats on our flight to London. Our first night was spent in the Hilton Park Lane, free of charge courtesy of all the nights I've stayed on business at the Hilton in New York. That first evening we took the tube to Oxford Circus and walked to my brother's flat on Harley Street for a little wine and Christmas cake. Neil was the first member of my family to meet Ben, and he seemed to make a good impression. We picked up a copy of the keys to his flat, and went back to our hotel. The next day, we moved into Neil's flat for the rest of our stay, since Neil and his boyfriend Simon were going to Argentina for the New Year.

That day was in other ways the most anticipated part of our trip. We took the train to St. Albans to meet my family. This was a huge thing, considering my Dad and I didn't talk about my homosexuality at all for fifteen years after I came out. Somehow, miraculously, my Dad had come around, and seemed to be looking forward to meeting Ben. Ben and I were both a little nervous, but we needn't have been. Ben was very quickly welcomed into the family, and before long all of us were cracking family jokes with him. A few days later, my sister Sally and my Dad came up to London to spend the day with us. As usual, my Dad, who is 78, walked us all off our feet. There was a moment at St Pauls which I found infinitely touching. I ran down into the crypt to use the toilet, while everybody else walked over to a little courtyard where one of the original gates of the City of London had been restored. When I came back out of St Pauls, I saw in the near distance my Dad and Ben and Sally talking familiarly together. And I realized that Ben was being treated like a member of the family; I found myself suddenly tearing up. My Dad still has the capacity to surprise me.

Ben with me and my family

Ben and I across the river from St Pauls

Ben and I have enjoyed our trip here very much. The weather has been astonishing for a London winter - blue skies almost every day, although it has been rather cold. We've done some touristic stuff; we discovered we like playing scrabble together, we entertained our French friend Jean-Marc for a few days; I got to meet Ben's best friend from Singapore (who has lived in London for years), Joe, and of course we went clubbing a few times. The first time was a place called Love Muscle, which must have been the worst club I've ever been to: insanely smokey, the music far too loud, and the crowd just about the ugliest I've ever seen anywhere. We feared the worst for the big night out at Action on New Year's Eve, but we were pleasantly surprised: it was a great club: good music, a cute crowd, an interesting space, and well-ventilated. We had another good night out last night at the tea-dance Salvation.

All good things come to an end, and not just this trip. I've decided to stop writing the journal, finally. I've kept it up faithfully since 1999, and I feel I've covered a lot of ground in that time. I think it served a need in my life of feeling connected. But over the last few years, I've built for myself a stronger foundation in real life, and I've realized that the time for the journal has come and gone. I'll miss the opportunity of expressing myself regularly, but maybe I'll find other avenues for that. Thank you so much to everybody who's read along with me all these years - the journal has added so much to my life, and it would have been nothing had nobody read it.

P.s. I've been saving up all the pictures below to use in my journals, but since there will be no more journal, I thought I might as well throw them up here.